Sunday, October 2, 2011

Stale Meatloaf served cold

Australian rules football is a unique sporting spectacle. Played through the antipodean winter months it conjures a fervent passion for the game and the participating clubs that borders on religious fanaticism. Played over 26 brutal weeks it rises to a thundering  crescendo with the two best performed teams playing off in the Grand Final, for all the marbles, on the last Saturday in September. Near 100 thousand people have  packed themselves into the Melbourne Cricket Ground hungry for the contest. Suburban and state rivalries dating back to a time when America was fighting for her life in a civil war are open like raw wounds. Game on... But first things first. As this unique Aussie "Footy" league has evolved from a parochial love fest into an internationally televised event, the suits at AFL house and their CEO Andrew Demetriou have decided that the old pre game rituals of little leaguers chasing the pigskin, retiring players doing a lap of honor and a 100 yard sprint featuring Stawell gift hopefuls is passe. Because this is the big stage, and as such, the suits decree that a pregame concert is in order for which only a truly international act will suffice. So here we are...  2011 has waned into the history books and my team came up trumps against very stiff and worthy opposition and I am rapt, but I have an axe too grind. I am sitting with my American family and they are laughing at the grotesque spectacle of Meatloaf, washed up, fucking stale Meatloaf. The question is pointed at me. "Don't you guys have any good legendary rock n roll bands in Australia?? Did the AFL suits really fork out 600 grand for this crap??"  Ah yes, we sure do have some talented musicians, says I, and they could sure as shit use 600 K. So, today a little hungover, I am hoping that my good friend WAZ owner of Greville records, can drag that fucking  idiot Demetriou, with all the money too splash on "Talent" down to his shop and give him some musical coaching . The AFL’s talent buyers, so it seems, need a big pre season.  MY A TO Z OF AUSTRALIAN BANDS WHO COULD USE 600 K TO MAKE VITAL NEW MUSIC,BUY A FEW ROUNDS FOR THEIR  MATES WHO HUMPED THE GEAR, AND EVERYTHING WITH A PULSE , AND DEFRAY THE COST OF LIVING AGAINST THEIR MEAGRE  PENSIONS!!  
A: The Allusions. They could play Gypsy woman with seductively dressed woman peering into the cup too divine the winner. BETFAIR could sponsor the odds swirling in the cup live.
B: The Band that shot Liberty Valance. Fred Negro @ the G rocking out with his cock out.
C: Chris Bailey: He could crank out "Stranded" for those who cannot manage to go back to back. (My mob included.) 
D: The Dingoes. They could play "way out west "when the Dockers eventually  make a run at it.
E: Emmanuelle: Tommy & Phil. For some shitkicking virtuosity.
F:  Fish John West rejects. Because they are from Tassie and Tasmania deserves some God damned respect on the biggest stage of all.
G: Geyer, Renee. Just because, unlike Mr. Loaf, she can really sing. She could do "heading in the right direction" to assuage all the loyal club men with their heads on the chopping block)
 H: The Hollow men. Billy Baxter at the G. He coulda been a champion.
I.  Icehouse.  Just to see if Bob Kretchmers still got it.

J: Jo Jo Zep and the falcons. The classic Wayne Burt era lineup playing "Beating around the bush." (Where all the real coaches used to come from.)
 K: KUSH. Because seeing Jeff Duff in a leotard singing MacArthur Park would be beyond priceless.
L: Little River Band. Because some American sideman ripped off the name in the board room and the royalties from "Help is on the way" will eventually give comfort to the starving ex sidemen, of whom there are many, and Pies supporters.
M: Mad Turks from Istanbul. We fought there in a war and it's been good business pimping the "Great war" for the AFL over the  years.
N: No fixed address. A nod to the pioneers of indigenous roots music would be nice, and Demetriou's suit could trot out Kev, Archie, and Paul Kelly too.
 O: Olympic sideburns. Because hearing Maurice Frawley again would be worth the corporate price of admission.
P: Painters and Dockers. They could present the Norm Gallagher medal for slowest midfielder at the stoppages.
Q: Quill, Greg. He could play gypsy queen for the all the young draftees rocking off to GWS.
R: The Radiators. Because like the players they are warriors of the road and unlike Mr. Loaf, their rider strictly stipulates. “A dozen tinnies chilled. Thanks." 
S: Salmon, Kim because blokes like him are the reason I am really composing this novella of information for the empty suits @ AFL house.
T: Taman Shud.  Because they could play Morning of the earth on the Jumbotron score board, surely a world first. 
U: Uncanny X men. There are really that few U bands in Australia. 
V: The valentines. Because they gave the world Bon Scott and could sure use a victory lap and some of Mr. Loafs 600 K.
W: Warner, Dave.  Half time at the football, mugs game = priceless. 
X: X. Because we could confuse newly rocking Andy D’s suit. Get him thinking he was really booking Exene, John Doe and Dave Alvin. (The American X.) Steve Lucas could pocket the 600K and tour the world setting the record straight.
Y: Young Home buyers. Because that’s where Greg Champion got his start and a young homebuyer could not afford the price of admission to the game that is required to provide for the upkeep of Meatloaf’s ranch in Texas. 
Z: Zoot. Because they won the Hoadley’s battle of the sounds in 1969 in pink tutus and it would be wonderful to see the worlds most well preserved man, Rick Springfield, bring his American soap opera voice back to Australia one last time before oxygen tents and  golf carts impinge on the performance.
So, there you have it. About 160 Australian musicians more worthy af a tilt at the 600 K than the faded and unfortunate Mr. M Loaf. To quote Gary Gray. “Nothing grows in Texas” Feel free to forward this to Mr. Demetriou’s suit. Thanks, this has been a public service announcement. Hey, and if he still has a hard on for American bands from back in the day, I can set him up with a Beat Farmers reunion tour. They don’t suck ass.